


Home is Behind

by queen_scribbles



Series: Astrid Hawke Canon [9]
Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Astrid makes me cry again, Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - Here Lies the Abyss, F/M, Pre-Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - Here Lies the Abyss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 13:57:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17023899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_scribbles/pseuds/queen_scribbles
Summary: It's hard to leave your home behind, harder still when you know you'll never be back. But some things are worth any price to protect.





	Home is Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Astrid decided she hasn’t ripped my heart out of my chest enough times, and went for another one. (and yes, the title is absolutely from that song in RotK. suffer with me)

 

Astrid had been leaving homes behind her whole life; villages too small to name, Redcliffe, Lothering, Kirkwall, but somehow this departure from Starkhaven hurt the worst. She knew why, of course. She could _feel_ Sebastian and Eilidh watching long after even her eagle-eyed husband would be able to see her. But Varric had asked for her help, and he’d always been there for her. So Astrid left her home behind once more, though this time, she would be back.

That thought kept her going the whole long lonely way to Skyhold. _When I’m done I get to see them again. I get to go back._ The world might be large and grand and full of adventures that called to some--like Varric--but she couldn’t wait to go home, hug Eilidh, and fall asleep with Sebastian’s heartbeat in her ear.

>>*<<

Skyhold was an impressive stronghold, she had to give the Inquisitor that. The location was good, defensible, and even in its crumbled state of disrepair, the fortress was magnificent. The view wasn’t too shabby either, Astrid mused, leaning against the battlements facing toward Ferelden. Snow-capped peaks rising from the mists, birds circling in and out of cloud banks, as far off as the eye could see. She curled one hand around her locket, thumb rubbing the back of it as her gaze lifted further. Straining as if she could see through the ethereal mists to Starkhaven and her waiting family. _Soon._

“Hawke, I’d like you to meet Inquisitor Lavellan,” Varric’s voice broke through her chain of thought.

Astrid dropped the locket and summoned a warm smile as she turned toward the sound.

“Y’ can just call me Tighe,” the lanky elf clarified as he held out a hand, smiling wide enough to crinkle the vallaslin that covered his face. “Still adjustin’ t’ the title.”

“I understand that,” Astrid said as she shook his hand. “Took me almost a year not to look for someone else when I heard ‘Princess’.” 

Tighe cocked his head blue eyes curious. “I thought y’ were viscount.”

“That didn’t last long,” Astrid shook her head. “But I’m much happier Princess of Starkhaven than I was Viscountess of Kirkwall, so it worked out. And either way, Astrid or Hawke will do, especially if I’m calling you Tighe.”

“I’ve listened t’ Varric talk about you a lot, so Hawke it’ll be,” Tighe said, rocking up on the balls of his feet like a child with too much energy.

“Hawke it’ll be,” Astrid confirmed, smiling. She liked the Inquisitor. He seemed like a good man to have in charge, or even generally speaking. “Now, I hear you’re fighting a darkspawn magister named Corypheus?”

Guilt twinged sharp as they talked. One more thing she’d failed. _No, he was dead, I know he was. Something else is going on here._ She thought of Carver, hopefully safe, and Stroud, walking into the lions’ den for answers, and resolved to fix this no matter what it took before she turned her gaze homeward.

>>*<<

She hadn’t expected the Western Approach to be so cold at night. she’d spent all her life in more agrarian climes, and gone all that time thinking _desert_ meant _hot_. Which it did, during the day. But at night it grew so chill Astrid found herself pulling on more layers and wishing she was better at fire spells while trying _not_ to think of the huge marble fireplace in her and Sebastian’s bedroom.

She was not entirely successful, which led to pulling out her locket again and staring at the portrait of her husband and daughter. The trickle of warmth it stirred helped a little--more than the flickering campfire anyway--but Astrid still shivered at the slightest breeze.

“Not fond of th’ cold, I take it?” Tighe asked sympathetically as he offered her a blanket and sat next to her.

She shook her head and wrapped the blanket around her like a cloak. “One of the chinks in my armor. And thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied amiably. “Chinks in your armor are nothin’ t’ be ashamed of. Ev’ryone’s got a _few_. Not likin’ th’ cold’s pretty normal, as chinks go.”

“You seemed to managing,” Astrid commented, nodding at his bare feet and minimal warm clothing.

“My clan travels a lot,” Tighe said, tone going wistful as he poked at the sandy ground. “I was practically raised outdoors. Hot bothers me more’n cold.”

Astrid cocked her head. “You miss them?”

“My clan?” He nodded. “Quite a bit. You don’t miss your family?”

“Oh, no, I do. Silly of me to think you wouldn’t, I guess. You’ve been away from them even longer than I have from mine.”

“Keepin’ busy helps,” he said with a sigh. “As a distraction, y’know.”

Astrid nodded. “I’ve used that method myself. But that just makes nights worse.”

“True,” Tighe conceded. “When that happens, I just remind myself I’m doin’ this for them. And the world, of course, but...”

“Family first,” Astrid finished, and he hummed a quiet agreement. They sat in silence a few moments longer before Tighe murmured something about turning in for the night and pushed to his feet. Astrid nodded absently and sat staring off into the surrounding dark. _Family first._ She looked down at Eilidh’s face, the flickering firelight almost making the portrait seem alive. _I’ll make the world a safer place for you, my sweet girl. Even if it kills me._

It wasn’t until she lay down for the night that Astrid thought to wonder when she’d accepted that maybe she wouldn’t make it home.

>>*<<

For the number of people it housed, Skyhold was surprisingly quiet at night. Or maybe the somber mood toward the impending seige of Adamant was causing that. Whatever the reason, Astrid didn’t encounter a soul as she made her way up to the battlements. She couldn’t sleep and the glittering night sky was always a comfort. 

_“I love you to th’ stars above,”_ Sebastian’s voice whispered in her mind, followed by the remembered tickle of a gentle kiss placed behind her ear. Astrid closed her eyes, as if by shutting out distractions she’d be able to smell him or feel him even though he was hundreds of miles away.

_And I love you to the depths of the sea._ The thought formed unbidden, pure habit even if Sebastian wasn’t there to finish it. “ _We’ll just have to call it a draw.”_ Maker, she missed that man so much it _ached_.

“With how early you’re leaving, I’d figured you’d be sound asleep right about now,” Varric said quietly as he joined her.

Astrid laughed just as quietly. “You know nerves make me restless.” She rubbed her arm.

He nodded concession. “What’re you doing up here, then?”

She tipped her head back to look at the sky. “Wondering how different the constellations look in Starkhaven. Hoping things are alright there.” She sighed.  “Varric, I miss them so much.”

“Choir Boy and your kid?”

Astrid nodded. “I know you don’t like him, but he’s the world to me. I didn’t want to leave, but I owe you so much I didn’t feel like I could say no.”

Varric scuffed one foot against the stone. “Shit, Hawke, keep that up and you’ll make me feel guilty.”

She smiled faintly at his joking tone. “Never feel guilty asking for my help, Varric, You’ve helped me more than enough times. It’s only fair. And I can’t very well ignore the world being in jeopardy, now, can I?” 

He chuckled and nudged her hip. “Other people, maybe. You? Never.”

“After this though...” she let the words trail off. “After this, I’m staying home. Kissing my husband every morning just because I can. Raising my daughter to be the best she can be.” She paused, ran a hand over her stomach. “Maybe add another one....”

Varric raised an eyebrow. “Are you...?”

Astrid laughed and shook her head. “Sebastian would never have let me leave if he thought I was pregnant.”

“And that’s one thing we would have agreed on,” he muttered.

“I’m truly blessed to have so many people looking out for me,” she said softly, letting her hand linger a moment more before leaning against the battlement wall.

“On that note, get to bed,” Varric encouraged, giving her a friendly shove toward the steps. “If you wind up hurt or dead because you were worn out from talking to me, Choir Boy’ll never forgive me.”

“Varric, if you’re going to use my husband to guilt me into getting sleep, at least use his name,” Astrid said, amused.

Varric rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine. Go get sleep. So you survive Adamant and can go home to _Sebastian_ and your kid.”

“Much better.” Astrid clapped him on the shoulder. “And very persuasive. So I’m off to bed, and hopefully sleep.”

He chuckled. “G’night, Hawke.”

“Night, Varric.” She looked at the stars and thought of her home far away. _Good night, my loves. I’ll be on my way soon._

>>*<<

Things were, of course, nowhere near that simple. The chaos of battle in Adamant fortress led to tumbling off a cliff and landing in the Fade. By this point in her life, Astrid had stepped asking both how and _why_ these things kept happening to her. This one, at least, seemed to have something to do with Tighe’s Mark. Much as she disliked visiting the Fade--taunting demons worming into her friends’ thoughts was a turn off--it was better than plummeting to her death. Still, grateful as she was for that, she wanted to get out of here.

As always, that proved easier said than done. But Astrid gamely helped fight their way through waves of demons, most of which manifested as creepy spiders. That fit with their Nightmare host, just like the jagged, rough rock surrounding them. And this monster, this demon, was what Corypheus planned to unleash on the world through Clarel’s actions. _Would_ unleash unless they succeeded at cleaning up a mess Astrid felt partly responsible for creating. _If I’d just **made sure** he was bloody dead..._

A rasping chuckle swirled out of the air. “Ah, Hawke, do you _really_ think you can protect Sebastian? You’ve never been able to keep your family safe before...”

She grit her teeth and refused to respond. _I can protect him, and Eilidh, and all of Thedas by stopping you and your Maker-damned puppeteer_. She squeezed her locket ferociously and pressed on. _We are going to kill you, then I’m going home and I’m never leaving again._

_We’ll see..._ slithered through her thoughts, and it took all of Astrid’s willpower not to fine an icicle up into the air. It would be a petty gesture of defiance that only served to show the Nightmare was getting under her skin. She was better than that.

The Nightmare flung more taunts and derision, laughed at them, but ultimately that only served to drive all of them harder. And at last they could see the exit, the rift from the Fade back to the waking world. The real world. Their path was blocked only by the chief minion of the Nightmare, its aspect to better fight the scurrying nuisances that sought to escape its realm.

_I just want to go home._ Astrid threw herself into the fight with the desperation of a woman tantalizingly close to her goal.

But home wasn’t meant to be. Not for her. They defeated the fear aspect, made for the rent in the Fade. One after the other, Astrid watched Tighe’s companions vanish through the rift. Safe. And then the Nightmare hauled itself in the way, trapping her and Tighe and Stroud with huge, spidery limbs as its multitude of eyes goggled at them.

Astrid didn’t hesitate, her fingers already snapping with magic even as she barked, “Go!” _What’s one woman compared to the world?_

“No,” Stroud protested. “If the Wardens are responsible, I should-”

“Stop arguing and _**go**_!” she cut him off. If they delayed too long it would just kill all of them. “Lead them to be better.” He had the Wardens, Tighe had the Inquisition, those were their responsibilities.

Corypheus was hers. _I’m sorry, loves._ Much as she’d wished to have Sebastian watching her back through all this, now she was glad he wasn’t. It would have made this even harder. She glanced at Tighe. “Say goodbye to Varric for me.” She took a steadying breath, grip tight on her staff, gaze fixed on the Nightmare as she moved toward it.

It had to be stopped. For the sake of the world and everyone in it. Heroes rarely got to be selfish; she’d been foolish to hope for a happy ending. Her locket shifted, cool against her chest, and the emotions swelled.

“I’m sorry, Sebastian, but this is for you, love,” she whispered, blinking back tears as lightning built and crackled around her hand and she heard Tighe protesting behind her. “This is for you.”

She unleashed her spell in the Nightmare’s face with with a scream of heartbroken rage for everything it was taking from her. For the hugs and braids and tea parties she wouldn’t get to have with Eilidh. Never hearing Sebastian call her _lass_ again or look at her like a treasure he planned to cherish forever. Not getting to share the story of her adventures, with embellishment enough to make Varric proud. For _breaking her promise._

_“I’ll be home soon.”_ She wouldn’t, not ever, but at least she knew it would be safe. _They_ would be safe. 

And that was worth even this price.


End file.
